The plank of wood is snugly bound to my outstretched arms, I feel it is weight on my shoulders and walk gingerly in the high spike heels. He pushes me to the floor, the pressure on my knees and shins is unbearable. At 1st I remain very still, holding out as lengthy as I can, and then: that guy starts to command me to move, insulting me, even kicking me as I am fastened infirm. As I feel the blush rise to my cheeks, I can feel the alluring heat run throughout my body as well. I am objectified now, I am a doll, a gear. And the games that will be played will be played in order to break me.
My experiences of soreness have always been only accidental, unsummoned, unrelated to my own will. As I realized that I was to be fastened up and whipped I felt an immediate surge of adrenalin: not merely dismay, but a kind of curiosity. I wondered: would I be able to withstand it? Would my mind discover a way to dominant my body, suppressing the inevitable panic? When the ache began, I was swept off with it, like a sudden wind or a wave, and all thought was banished from my mind- there was merely the fierce and insistent pang. Then there was a voice in my ear, this chab was giving me a clue- what I had to learn in order to endure this- this chab said me to stop resisting it. By this point I was already half-tranced, my mind trying to creep back into an almost-sleep world; I tried not to recognize the zeppelins that were overspread in depraved red welts, a not many of em lightly breaking the skin. The haunches being whipped, the snatch naked and red from the clamps, the flog, the cane…but this was my body. I learned not to resist the ache, but to suffer: and this torment was pretty coz it brought me to a foreign place, an Other place. This was a place I had at no time visited in my non-deviant painless existence. It was not that the lash ceased to hurt me, it was that the immediate ache was transformed into smth permanent: with this soreness I was alive, electric.
I had not thought, previous to my show, that I would have a fun the ache. In this I was correct. But now, months later, I discover that it was that very element that I had not considered previous to that has remained with me. While I have used restraint bondage and servitude to create a world of joy, of potentials, of anticipations and denials; I had not realized that there were other places still unexplored, other places I had not been. When I see the scene of the flogging, I can catch a glimpse of this place throughout my tear-stained face. I can hear it in my raw short breaths, throughout my wide open throat. It is there, in my eyes- gazing out but not focused, seeing a world that merely I can watch.

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Duration: 58:14
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